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Before I send Kathleen the following I wanted to get your advice. Every discussion beginning at 7:30 this morning until now has devolved into an all out fight- or actually Kathleen yelling at me and then me trying to explain and making things worse.

I was going to send her the following- but thought better of it before making things worse:

Kathleen,
Obviously what I am saying or trying to say and what you are hearing are very different things-
I am telling you I have a plan to address my problem. I think it's best we discuss that plan with Debbie together. I don't believe (as you just said) that my problem is an excuse for my horrible behavior and absolves me of any sin.
I don't expect your forgiveness or affection or love right now. I know that I don't deserve that. And I know you may choose to never forgive me or love me again. I desperately hope you can and will because I love you very much.
Out of the last 9 and 1/2 months I've been off my program for no more than 6 days. I want you to know I realize that isn't good enough but I also want you to know that I am really trying hard.

My question to you is how, as I work on getting healthy and better, would you like me to interact with you?
Should I talk to you or not. Do you want me to show affection or does that make you angrier? Should I tell you where I am and what I'm doing or just leave you alone?
None of this your fault clearly. All of this is my doing. I can't stand to see you in pain and I can't stand to be the sole source of that pain.
I also know I've made things hard for the girls. But I do think they know how much I love them and that I will always be there for them. I don't think I've been a horrible father- I've clearly not been perfect and I am painfully aware of my failures.
You keep saying "Do You not understand what you have done to our family?"
I do and some days I can barely stand myself for it. But I do understand. I also think I've done some good things as a Dad and I have a lot more love to give - so I focus on that.


RHB
202.333.1880