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Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business | The Onion
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Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business

WASHINGTON—Claiming that his operation would be “completely dicked over” by
an influx of product, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly became
increasingly worried this week that the recent legalization of marijuana in
Washington, D.C. could seriously cut into his business.

Biden, who White House sources confirmed had significantly increased his
annual marijuana sales after swiping a state-of-the-art hydroponics unit
from a gardening supplies store back in 2012, expressed frustration at the
possibility that legalizing the drug would wreak havoc on all of his
investments.

“Aw, Christ, now everyone will be growing their own herb,” said a visibly
upset Biden, adding that he was “raking it in” before D.C. voters approved
“that horseshit” Marijuana Legalization Initiative in a ballot measure last
November. “Don’t get me wrong, Uncle Joe is slinging the dankest nugs in
town. But who’s going to call me up for an eighth of Purple Trainwreck if
they can just grab some buds from their own homegrown stash?”

“Sure as shit no one’s hauling ass all the way to the Lincoln Memorial to
meet up with me to score some cheeba anymore,” the vice president continued.

Biden stressed that his business had recently been running as “smooth as
Tennessee trim,” becoming especially lucrative after he brought on his
buddy Blaze to strong-arm a couple “rough and tumble” hombres who were
muscling in on his turf.

The vice president was reportedly distraught over potentially losing his
bread-and-butter customers in Georgetown, noting that students and
professors bought a ton of Blackberry Kush. Indicating that drastic
measures might be necessary to prevent his whole operation from going
belly-up, Biden suggested that he would have to start peddling “doobage” in
Baltimore at least five times a week.

“Listen, I don’t trust the government, but legalization is gonna cost me a
huge chunk of change,” said the six-term Delaware senator, adding that all
the marijuana seized by DEA agents goes straight into their own pipes. “And
Ol’ Joe’s baby needs new red vinyl seats. Some stains last forever, if you
catch my drift.”

According to longtime aides, the new law has the potential to be the
largest setback to Biden’s marijuana enterprise since the vice president
suspected First Lady Michelle Obama of “eating cheese to the Secret
Service” in 2009, forcing the 72-year-old to uproot a potent strain of Sour
Diesel growing in a neglected corner of the Rose Garden.

“Dynamite Joe had a nice little thing going for himself, and it’d be a damn
shame for some stupid law to come along and fuck up the good times,” said
Biden, who reportedly asked White House aides if President Obama could pull
a few strings and make legalized cannabis go away. “You can ask anyone on
the Hill and they’ll tell you Uncle Joe is always good for a fat sack. I
never short or skimp anyone. And my shit is never all seeds and stems like
the bunk ditch weed that Mikulski hawks.”

“Fucker’s bags are always light,” added Biden. “And that cheap-ass stuff
just crashes you out.”

Despite the obstacles that marijuana legalization will present, Biden
remained confident that his quarter pound of magic mushrooms would still
bring in “serious green” for the foreseeable future.


Eric D. Schwerin
eschwerin@rosemontseneca.com

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