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Biden Forges President’s Signature On Executive Order To Make December
Dokken History Month - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

http://www.theonion.com/article/biden-forges-presidents-signature-executive-order--54723

Biden Forges President’s Signature On Executive Order To Make December
Dokken History Month
<img src="http://i.onionstatic.com/onion/5507/4/16x9/600.jpg" />

WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor the “sweet-ass” legacy of a hair metal
band that he said “totally fucking shreds,” Vice President Joe Biden
reportedly snuck into the Oval Office early Thursday to forge President
Obama’s signature on an executive order that would officially recognize
December as Dokken History Month. “Look, I’ve already asked Barry a
thousand times because Dokken’s a goddamn national treasure, but he just
wouldn’t get with the program, so now we’re doing shit Diamond Joe’s way,”
said Biden, who took extra care to ensure the president’s signature matched
previous counterfeit executive orders he had fabricated to implement
directives that required strip clubs in the capital to stay open past 2
a.m., created a federal holiday for Quiet Riot guitarist Randy Rhoads’
birthday, and pardoned his buddy Blaze, who reportedly got into a “little
dustup” with some bikers outside Carson City, NV earlier this year. “This
is a no-brainer. If you crank up Donnie’s killer vocals and George Lynch is
wailing on his ax on your car stereo, I guarantee a smokin’ hot metal chick
will be ripping your stick shift out of the gearbox in zero seconds flat.
Every lick on *Back For The Attack* is like a shot of adrenaline right in
the babymaker. So sometimes you gotta take matters into your own hands to
make sure we set aside 31 days a year to keep rockin’ with Dokken.”
According to sources, Biden then photocopied a “big-ass” stack of blank
executive orders and grabbed a handful of official presidential pens so he
could practice his Donald Trump signature.


Eric D. Schwerin
eschwerin@rosemontseneca.com

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