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my brother and I were
required to go to mass
every sunday growing up.
Just the three of us-Bean
my Dad and me. It was an
event-as long as we had
on a clean shirt and
pants and combed our hair
we were ready to go. But
it was mandatory. And the
truth is U hated moss for
the most part. It always
seemed hollow to me. more
a an exercise is in
commitment than an act of
spirituality.
We were almost always
late. We always sat in
the back or stood against
the back wall if there wasn't
room for the three of us
to sit together. And for some
reason I always remember
it being hot regardless of
the weather the hemi lip at
st. Joseph's on the Brandywine
rarely spoke to me in anyway,
and I spent most of the time
between standing, silting,
kneeling repeat over and over
lost in thought about what
way ahead or what was behind.
There were only two parts of
the mass that I enjoyed.
The first was the "sharing of
peace." lln that moment
while the rest of churchgoers
would be shaking hands
with their peep neighbors, Bean
Dad and I would turn to one-
another and we each would
hug and kiss. No matter what.
It orbit mattes if Beau and
I were arguing up until the
moment we entered the
church, or if Dod way
pissed at one of us for
whatever reason. We would
give each other a hug and
a kiss no matter what. And
it was never strained or forced
it was what we did. And it
always made me realize wheth­er explicitly or implied
that nothing could ever
seep separate us. In that
moment every sunday cl
was reminded that we three
had a bond that couldn't
be broken by anyone or any
act or any failure or any
god. In that moment I
always knew that we
could never be divided.
The second part of Mossel
enjoyed and still do-was
when we would rise to
relieve the
and afterwards there is
always a period of tone
where you kneel and
wait in quiet-as the
rest of the church reodhen
itself for the begging
of the end of most. To
me that is the most
sacred moment-because it
is the moment D knew that
the three of us were engaged
in the same prayer-a Hail
Mary-and then a prayer
to Manny for me and Beare
Wei la for Dad and caspy
our baby-sister. le knew
each one of us was asking
the something-"mommy,
Caspy 'please take care of Bean
and Dod and help me take
care of them. I love you
and we miss you."
my brother was asking them
to take care of me and Dad
and Dad was ahr asking
them to take care of Bean
and me.
\foucould- I would add
in other names depending
on the moment, and when
my sister was born she
won added to the list-but
always-please, please take
cane look out for keep safe
Bean and Dod. I've never been to
a mass where I failed to
kneel and take a moment
to ask them bath to watch
over uy to keep us together
to never let anything break
our bond.
When Beau died I went to
moss the next day with
Dod and my man. It was
just the three of us-everyone
else was exhausted and
couldn't bare the idea of
being out let alone in public
let alone in the church stay
where we had just buried
Blau.
When it came time to share the
sign of peace el of course
cried or I hugged and
kissed my Dad and then my
mom. I missed his touch-
I could feel him there in
our msdst I could smell
him-but he wasn't there
he was gone his 'body burned
in the dirt hot zoo yards
from where I stood. And
eh ached for that hug and
that kiss. The one that sard
we are all here-we are all
together-the three of us will
always have each other.
And then I relieve
communion and went to
kneel in the back pen
with my Dad. And we knelt
and I said my prayer-
and for the first time in
my life el prayed to trot
just my dead mother and
my dead sister but also to
my dead brother-and for
the first time in my hfe
el prayed for me-and
I asked please let me
be with you please let
me know you love me
please never let me
forget please let me come.


RHB
202.333.1880